Horoscopes and Headlines for the Week

Monday, November 19th

 Headlines

Justin and Selena get back together, plan to marry in Washington now that it's legal.

Hostess executives doom humanity- With Twinkies gone, experts say zombie apocalypses and nuclear holocaust scenarios are not survivable. 

Mitt Romney has stuff to say about why he lost the election, but no one really cares.

Barack Obama visits Burma. A collective yawn is heard from Americans everywhere.

Horoscopes

Aquarius

Things are looking grim, Aquarius, but you already knew that. After all, you're reading this garbage to make you feel better about this coming week, aren't you? Since you're here, and probably gullible enough to believe whatever I type in here to be an accurate foretelling of your future, do that thing your significant other has been bugging you about- couldn't hurt, could it?

Pisces

Ah, Pisces- Is it considered cannibalism if you eat seafood? Doesn't seem right, does it? This week will bring you a few laughs, some eye strain, and possibly a large amount of left over turkey. Stock up on mayo.

Aries

Just like you to be stubborn enough to keep reading. Fine, this week your sign is in the Betelgeuse constellation, so eating Chinese food with lots of soy sauce will bring you luck. Unless you're a turkey, then you're pretty much screwed- but hats off to you for being a fowl capable of surfing the Internet.

Taurus

Taurus, you're looking good this week, as very little beef will be consumed. If horoscopes weren't comprised entirely of the matter that comes from a bull's rear, you could feel pretty good about your odds for a fortuitous week. So, your sign is in the McDonald's constellation- The irony shouldn't escape you- which means that there is a good chance you're going to gain a few pounds, but nothing an extra workout session won't fix.

Gemini

Well, Gemini- this week is going to suck for you. Sorry, but them's da breaks.

Cancer

So what's a fun loving crab like Cancer have to look forward to in this cold, wintry week? Well, stuffing and cranberries, of course! Your sign is in the Stouffer's constellation, so be careful not to overdo it Thursday- or you will end up gaining 20 pounds.

Leo

Things are looking very "grr, baby" for you this week, Leo- Don't mess it up by wearing leopard print anything.

Virgo

This week will bring the good Virgo calmness in otherwise infuriating traffic, a free coffee after the third purchase at AM PM, and a surprise treat from a loved one. The bad Virgo is going to be hit in the eye with a turkey wishbone.

Libra

Libra is going to have a so so week. Avoid trying anything new, as you're already pretty bad at all the old stuff you do anyways.The Ayn Rand constellation is rising in your sign, which means you're going to be even more selfish and petty than you usually are. Just kidding, we all love you.

Scorpio 

Like the scorpion in Aesop's fable, this week is going to bring you another self inflicted tragedy, as "it's in (your) nature." Avoid Taco Bell, unless you wish to compound your coming calamities.

Sagittarius

You're cool, Sagittarius- You've already had your week brightened reading everybody else's horoscope's. Go eat, drink, and be merry- just don't over do it, okay? 

Capricorn

So, Capricorn, you're expecting more from me. I've already pulled 11 other horoscopes out of my rear, and you want more? Am I just a monkey to you, dancing for your amusement? *SIGH* 

Well, this week has your sign in the gobbler constellation, so eat only stuffing that was previously stuffed into the bird (after it was killed and butchered, you sick bastard).

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