Special "Legal at 1201 am" Edition

Wednesday, Dec 5th, 2012

 Headlines

Pot is legal midnight tonight. Area Taco Bells "Nervous, but excited" About 4th Meal Orders.

Voodoo Donuts expected to post "Profits the like even God has not yet Seen" thanks to a Vancouver customer influx.

Glass makers around the country expecting heavy order volume for the next 6-9 months from local "Water Pipe" shops.

Unions demanding "420 Break" for every employee working 12+ hr shifts.

Pillsbury Frantically Developing a "Magic" Brownie recipe that doesn't taste like poo tainted chocolate

Southwest Airlines announces it has no more seats available for planes heading to Sea Tac or PDX. "For some reason, 120 million people decided they just HAD to be in WA on December 6th" a spokesperson said.

Horoscopes

Aquarius
Aquarius, you little devil you. I saw you peeking at me. I am spoken for, so don't get any ideas. Take a cold shower, and go out tonight in the knowledge your sexy self will find companionship at about 1210 am here in WA.

Pisces

So, Pisces, you self centered Jersey Shore- esque tool. This week, someone's finally going to tell you your office nickname is "Oompa Loompa" and that no matter how much Tommy fragrance you wear, you still smell like douche. Just kidding, we love you. Yeah.

Aries

I'd type something for the Aries here, but odds are they're all too busy hoarding Dr. Pepper and Lil Debbie's in anticipation of 1201 am tonight. So, in the interest of posterity, I'll type some filler. You will develop an unhealthy sexual attraction to gourds and melon fruit.

Taurus

You know what sucks most about your sign? Ford makes a crappy car named after it. That ought to tell you all you need to know about this coming week.Except, of course, that you won't be invited to kill any brain cells at 1201 am tonight- and be subject to "random" drug testing tomorrow at work.

Gemini

So, Gemini, you have the constellation OJ rising in your sign. You will have no need for a flu shot, as everyone knows OJ keeps you well- unless you divorce him, then he'll murder you. True Story.

Cancer

.Don't Blink. Don't turn your back, and whatever you do- DON'T BLINK. This week, begin catching up on your Doctor Who, buy some cider, and drink it warm. You will be all nice and cozy watching the the last fortnight of humanity. While others are scrambling about, half of them still doped up from their pot parties, the other just their normal dopey selves, you'll realize just how much you'll miss cider.

Virgo

Wow, you're hot this week Virgo. Maybe it's the brownies talking, but you're gorgeous. Everyone wants you- that "You're 3 bills in a tube top and bikini, I am gonna puke" look they're all shooting you is pure jealousy. So down another pan or 6 of those magic brownies, and well- I would say strut, but "waddle" is more apt here- your stuff.

Libra

Well, Libra, it's a fine day with you around! Much like the video game the previous sentence was shamelessly pilfered from, your day is going to appear to be the best ever- then reality will set in. So you will be left a choice- Do you let these ass hats bring you down, or do you put on a great big smile, throw a middle finger at the butt monkeys, and loudly proclaim "Screw you guys, I'm having fun!"?

Scorpio 

Scorpio- you should probably refrain from eating at a waffle house this week. Or ever, either way. Oh, and that habit of picking your nose and eating it? Yeah, that lady in class saw you doing it- time to stop.

Sagittarius

As usual, the laid back, super cool Sag is in for a nice, chill week. Unless  you skip showers, or eat a ton of garlic, people are generally gonna want to be near ya. Especially if you win the Lotto.

Capricorn

What a week you're in for, Capricorn- Hope you like asparagus. Watch our for falling tree limbs, and whatever you do- DO NOT cross the street without looking both ways. You have a black hole sun rising, so get yourself a nice Soundgarden CD and enjoy!