This week- A Story of Business Triumph and Horoscopes!

Monday, Dec 10th, 2012

Lead story

 With the headlines this week tending to be rather, well, depressing, I decided we needed a lead story. Something that would brighten an almost cheerless lead-up to the coming Mayan Apocalypse- which will certainly be filled with brain eating zombies, with the non-infected suffering unusually strong body odor and uncontrollable flatulence. We needed, in short, some smiles.

 So, this week's lead story is one of triumph over adversity. It is a story of how a company, beleaguered by an evil President's anti-business agenda and a US Congresses communist policies, overcame long odds to post higher than expected sales by providing dollar priced sustenance to the poor of this nation. This week, we celebrate the victory claimed by McDonald's.  

 So go to one of your 3,145 local Mickey D's and show your solidarity. As you cram endless 'future inches to your waistline' down your throat, know that you're supporting an American owned business. Just try not to think about what the felon with severe personality disorder in the kitchen did to it prior to it's being served.  

Horoscopes

Aquarius 

The moon will want to come out all day, and display Uranus for all the world. You can prevent this by wearing a belt. Today is one safe to eat a nice chicken salad sandwich, provided it is not being sold at a gas station. Gas station sandwiches will give you squirrel aids. Your lucky numbers today are in German, so German chocolate cake will have half the calories as usual. Your lucky color is taupe.

Pisces

 With the rise of Venus into your stars, love is coming your way. Yes, there is bacon in your future! Try to avoid walmart this week, as a nasty run in with a balding, middle aged transvestite will harsh your mellow. Your lucky numbers are imaginary, so are your friends. Your lucky color is clear.

Aries

 Don't underestimate the pull of Mars on this weeks aggressive tendencies, Aries- lest you succumb to the inevitable temptations your daily commute provides. You can avoid this by working 2 hours later, or getting the current Burgerville seasonal shake- it takes about that long to soften up into a drinkable substance. Your lucky numbers are 2, 7, 12, 21, 33, 45, 46, and 51. Your lucky color is sienna.

Taurus

Don't give up, Taurus! When things get tough, remember what Buzz Light Year said in the Santa Clause- "Never give up, Never surrender!" Pluto is in your stars this week, but don't underestimate what that little bugger can do-Just like the god of the Underworld, we tend to discredit and ignore Pluto's true power. Ignore this at your own peril, for if you do, those embarrassing photos you took wearing nothing but duct tape tassels and performing Oppa Gangum Style will surface on the interwebs. Your lucky number is Pi, so go to Shari's and get a slice. Your lucky color is blue (lah dee dee dadh dee dah)

Gemini

It's gonna be rough this week, Gemini. Your dog is cheating on you with the mailman, your SO secretly has had enough of your poor personal hygiene- Seriously, it's called soap, it's not expensive- and the rest of us wonder if your favorite designer label is "Whatever a transient throws away." With great stink and poor fashion sense- that's you- comes hope for great redemption. By this time next week, the impending makeover will bring you and your pooch reconciliation- The mailman will get bitten- and your SO will complement you on how wonderful you're smelling as of late. Your lucky numbers are found in the yellow pages under "soap" and "fashion advice," your lucky color is whatever your skin tone is under that grime.

Cancer

Wow, Cancer- Compared to Gemini, this week is going to be Heaven on Earth. But seriously, it is gonna be pretty cool. You got Neptune rising, so grab some fish dishes- Not crab, though, that'd be borderline cannibalistic- and maybe book a sea cruise. Oh, and you know how that toothpaste tube is almost out- quit pushing your luck and buy a new tube. Your lucky numbers are 1, 9, 16, 22, 29, 34, 39. Your lucky color is silver.

Virgo

You know how they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Well, quit driving like a moron- or you're going to prove that adage wrong this week. With Mercury rising in your stars and falling on your thermometer, things could be worse- Don't make them so by eating Denny's at 3am. Your lucky numbers are 5, 12, 21, 31, 44, 46. your lucky color is periwinkle.

Libra

Another week, another prediction. Libra, you got Alpha Centauri crossing into your sign this week, meaning that you should avoid trailer parks, dark country roads, and raves- Or you will be abducted by a UFO flown by Elvis-impersonating ET's that like techno music almost as much as they like giving earthlings anal probes. That's a hunka hunka burning love you do NOT want. Your lucky numbers are negative integers, so no lotto for you this week. Your lucky color is cinnamon.

Scorpio 

Okay, Scorpio, this is a week of confession. Time to fess up to secretly being obsessed with the Spice Girls, loving My Little Pony, and believing either Twilight or 50 Shades of Grey are well written stories. Yes, you have poor taste in music and books, but at least you aren't a Gemini this week. You will experience an epiphany by buying an item from one of my advertisers. Your lucky number is 8- so multiples and factors of this number will work well. Your lucky color is gunmetal.

Sagittarius

The boisterous Sag is in for a nice week, as we've Sirius moving into our sign, and Nibiru is moving out. Try to avoid the temptation of Hobbit food at Denny's- one of us has already learned the hard way this is not smart. When shopping for Christmas presents this week, try to... Wait, who are we kidding? We ain't doing Christmas shopping until at least the 23rd. Your lucky numbers are 7, 13, 25, 37, 40, 49. Your lucky color is beige.

Capricorn

Well, Capricorn, bet you feel foolish having been photographed smoking a joint at the Space Needle, huh? I know you're already pretty paranoid after spending the better part of a week getting legally high, but now they know your face- It's only a matter of time until they're kicking down your door. Yep, you're too pretty to survive in prison. Just kidding, your week is going to be pretty cool. Reward your hard work with some cool Sonic! Your lucky numbers are 7, 14, 21,28, 35, 42. Your lucky color is chartreuse. 

Special "Legal at 1201 am" Edition

Wednesday, Dec 5th, 2012

 Headlines

Pot is legal midnight tonight. Area Taco Bells "Nervous, but excited" About 4th Meal Orders.

Voodoo Donuts expected to post "Profits the like even God has not yet Seen" thanks to a Vancouver customer influx.

Glass makers around the country expecting heavy order volume for the next 6-9 months from local "Water Pipe" shops.

Unions demanding "420 Break" for every employee working 12+ hr shifts.

Pillsbury Frantically Developing a "Magic" Brownie recipe that doesn't taste like poo tainted chocolate

Southwest Airlines announces it has no more seats available for planes heading to Sea Tac or PDX. "For some reason, 120 million people decided they just HAD to be in WA on December 6th" a spokesperson said.

Horoscopes

Aquarius
Aquarius, you little devil you. I saw you peeking at me. I am spoken for, so don't get any ideas. Take a cold shower, and go out tonight in the knowledge your sexy self will find companionship at about 1210 am here in WA.

Pisces

So, Pisces, you self centered Jersey Shore- esque tool. This week, someone's finally going to tell you your office nickname is "Oompa Loompa" and that no matter how much Tommy fragrance you wear, you still smell like douche. Just kidding, we love you. Yeah.

Aries

I'd type something for the Aries here, but odds are they're all too busy hoarding Dr. Pepper and Lil Debbie's in anticipation of 1201 am tonight. So, in the interest of posterity, I'll type some filler. You will develop an unhealthy sexual attraction to gourds and melon fruit.

Taurus

You know what sucks most about your sign? Ford makes a crappy car named after it. That ought to tell you all you need to know about this coming week.Except, of course, that you won't be invited to kill any brain cells at 1201 am tonight- and be subject to "random" drug testing tomorrow at work.

Gemini

So, Gemini, you have the constellation OJ rising in your sign. You will have no need for a flu shot, as everyone knows OJ keeps you well- unless you divorce him, then he'll murder you. True Story.

Cancer

.Don't Blink. Don't turn your back, and whatever you do- DON'T BLINK. This week, begin catching up on your Doctor Who, buy some cider, and drink it warm. You will be all nice and cozy watching the the last fortnight of humanity. While others are scrambling about, half of them still doped up from their pot parties, the other just their normal dopey selves, you'll realize just how much you'll miss cider.

Virgo

Wow, you're hot this week Virgo. Maybe it's the brownies talking, but you're gorgeous. Everyone wants you- that "You're 3 bills in a tube top and bikini, I am gonna puke" look they're all shooting you is pure jealousy. So down another pan or 6 of those magic brownies, and well- I would say strut, but "waddle" is more apt here- your stuff.

Libra

Well, Libra, it's a fine day with you around! Much like the video game the previous sentence was shamelessly pilfered from, your day is going to appear to be the best ever- then reality will set in. So you will be left a choice- Do you let these ass hats bring you down, or do you put on a great big smile, throw a middle finger at the butt monkeys, and loudly proclaim "Screw you guys, I'm having fun!"?

Scorpio 

Scorpio- you should probably refrain from eating at a waffle house this week. Or ever, either way. Oh, and that habit of picking your nose and eating it? Yeah, that lady in class saw you doing it- time to stop.

Sagittarius

As usual, the laid back, super cool Sag is in for a nice, chill week. Unless  you skip showers, or eat a ton of garlic, people are generally gonna want to be near ya. Especially if you win the Lotto.

Capricorn

What a week you're in for, Capricorn- Hope you like asparagus. Watch our for falling tree limbs, and whatever you do- DO NOT cross the street without looking both ways. You have a black hole sun rising, so get yourself a nice Soundgarden CD and enjoy!

Monday, 26 November 2012

 Headlines

Chris Brown deletes twitter account. Millions left wondering where they will pick up their lady-beating and profanity tips now?

Man dies after eating live cockroaches. Cause of death determined to be "He was a nasty mother******," but edited to "asphyxiation" to placate outraged family members.

Walmart employees kill a man for shoplifting, as "We only like our bosses stealing from us."

Chris Brown returns to twitter, ending his less than 12 hour hiatus. Woman beaters and foul mouthed chuckle heads everywhere rejoice.

Horoscopes

Aquarius
Well, Aquarius, how's that waist line? Yes, you were a little piggy, but this week shows that the leftovers you've already devoured will give way to the broke food your black Friday spending has left as your only meal option. Make yourself feel better by telling yourself this was on purpose! With Jupiter rising in your constellation, better wash your face very thoroughly, or you will get your own Big Red Spot.

Pisces

Another week, another broken dream. Jesus, Pisces, you're a depressing little ball of melancholy, aren't you? A regular Eeyore is what you are! Brighten your mood with a trip to Coldstone Creamery, and go see a movie not about a pedophile 100 year old vampire who finds his soul mate (and ideal lover) in a co-dependant 15 year old girl and a werewolf who is madly in love with said 15 year old girls infant daughter. With Pluto rising in your constellation, you can rest assured that the hours you spend at the gym will drop your mass below that which is large enough to be classified as a planet.

Aries

Aries, it would be better for you to call in sick this week. Trust me. Whatever you do, DO NOT EAT AT DENNY'S!!! You pushed your luck far enough last week, and you know what I am talking about, Mr/Ms- lactose- intolerant- but- one scoop- couldn't hurt- You're lucky that crap wasn't made from real cream! Speaking of crap, Sirius is moving in to your constellation along with Dened- meaning trips to Denny's will end badly. You've been warned.

Taurus

You Taurus, unlike Aries, should go to Denny's this week. You will meet the love of your life there, regardless of your persuasion. For you disgruntled "married but looking" types, this does not apply to you- You will simply find strips of crispy bacon, which is a lot like true love. With Electra crossing into your stars, hot ninjas in body form leather outfits will be paying you a visit.

Gemini

If you're reading this, you took my subtle hint at being a hermit last week. Good for you! Now, this week will be everything you thought it would be- which is to say, as awesome as you make it. You have Loki crossing into your stars, and he's in a good mood- so be ready to laugh til you pee. Pack some extra undergarments, like a good little boy/ girl scout.

Cancer

So you still have leftover turkey, and you're sick of eating it? Take it to that homeless guy at the end of the street, see how long it takes him to be sick of eating it. Do that, then go buy a power ball ticket. Be careful to note the digits in the address you dropped the turkey off to that homeless guy was. When you win, you MUST give me 10%. If you simply buy Powerball tickets without doing that which I have typed, your car will suddenly go kaput, you will develop nasty rashes in socially- unacceptable- to- speak- publicly- about places, plus you will end up as a crazy vagrant who argues with themselves and loses. Which, I guess, is to say you will be like Nick Nolte.

Virgo

Ah, Virgo, The Virgin. We know better, you dirty little thing. Go on with your bad self, but remember- practice safe debauchery. This week has Calliope rising, so bondage it is. Grab a copy of the 50 Shades trilogy, a highlighter, and get some pointers on how to do it- and don't play like you don't already have all three copies already, perv.

Libra

.After last week's hectic pace, the Libra is seeing this week as anti climactic. That is a mistake, as this week you find Arcturus rising, so this week could be a bear. You can avoid unnecessary complications with proper hygiene and the avoidance of foods that cause gas. You will be relieved to find out that thing you were worried about is fine- that other thing, though... Just kidding, don't be such a worry wort!

Scorpio 

.Huh, Scorpio- was that the wisest decision? Really? A leopard print man thong? You're dad is just gonna LOVE it, we're sure. Next time you go out gift buying after the Black Friday feeding frenzy has subsided, stick with gift certificates! You have the Soros constellation rising, which means you are going to hold everyone but yourself to a higher standard of morality/ social conduct, so it's probably best to not speak this week on the matter.

Sagittarius

 Hey homey, this week is gonna be like the rest- Awesome, because we're still here. If you're a Washingtonian, it's December 6th when it's legal- you can wait. I'd say go buy some Twinkies and Ho-Ho's, but well, yeah, bummer, man. The Dude abides, and so shall we.

Capricorn

Ah, last and probably least is the Capricorn. Your week shall be filled with let downs and disappointments, mostly because you think stars determine your fate, and the horoscope in the paper said something amazing was gonna happen. Yeah, newsflash- The stars are big balls of super hot gases- much like the people who write conventional horoscopes. Sigh, since you're still reading, I guess I ought tell you the P.T. Barnum constellation is rising, and you're the sucker he was talking about. Avoid eating anything that has a vowel in it's name., and don't get out of bed in any day ending with "Y."

Horoscopes and Headlines for the Week

Monday, November 19th

 Headlines

Justin and Selena get back together, plan to marry in Washington now that it's legal.

Hostess executives doom humanity- With Twinkies gone, experts say zombie apocalypses and nuclear holocaust scenarios are not survivable. 

Mitt Romney has stuff to say about why he lost the election, but no one really cares.

Barack Obama visits Burma. A collective yawn is heard from Americans everywhere.

Horoscopes

Aquarius

Things are looking grim, Aquarius, but you already knew that. After all, you're reading this garbage to make you feel better about this coming week, aren't you? Since you're here, and probably gullible enough to believe whatever I type in here to be an accurate foretelling of your future, do that thing your significant other has been bugging you about- couldn't hurt, could it?

Pisces

Ah, Pisces- Is it considered cannibalism if you eat seafood? Doesn't seem right, does it? This week will bring you a few laughs, some eye strain, and possibly a large amount of left over turkey. Stock up on mayo.

Aries

Just like you to be stubborn enough to keep reading. Fine, this week your sign is in the Betelgeuse constellation, so eating Chinese food with lots of soy sauce will bring you luck. Unless you're a turkey, then you're pretty much screwed- but hats off to you for being a fowl capable of surfing the Internet.

Taurus

Taurus, you're looking good this week, as very little beef will be consumed. If horoscopes weren't comprised entirely of the matter that comes from a bull's rear, you could feel pretty good about your odds for a fortuitous week. So, your sign is in the McDonald's constellation- The irony shouldn't escape you- which means that there is a good chance you're going to gain a few pounds, but nothing an extra workout session won't fix.

Gemini

Well, Gemini- this week is going to suck for you. Sorry, but them's da breaks.

Cancer

So what's a fun loving crab like Cancer have to look forward to in this cold, wintry week? Well, stuffing and cranberries, of course! Your sign is in the Stouffer's constellation, so be careful not to overdo it Thursday- or you will end up gaining 20 pounds.

Leo

Things are looking very "grr, baby" for you this week, Leo- Don't mess it up by wearing leopard print anything.

Virgo

This week will bring the good Virgo calmness in otherwise infuriating traffic, a free coffee after the third purchase at AM PM, and a surprise treat from a loved one. The bad Virgo is going to be hit in the eye with a turkey wishbone.

Libra

Libra is going to have a so so week. Avoid trying anything new, as you're already pretty bad at all the old stuff you do anyways.The Ayn Rand constellation is rising in your sign, which means you're going to be even more selfish and petty than you usually are. Just kidding, we all love you.

Scorpio 

Like the scorpion in Aesop's fable, this week is going to bring you another self inflicted tragedy, as "it's in (your) nature." Avoid Taco Bell, unless you wish to compound your coming calamities.

Sagittarius

You're cool, Sagittarius- You've already had your week brightened reading everybody else's horoscope's. Go eat, drink, and be merry- just don't over do it, okay? 

Capricorn

So, Capricorn, you're expecting more from me. I've already pulled 11 other horoscopes out of my rear, and you want more? Am I just a monkey to you, dancing for your amusement? *SIGH* 

Well, this week has your sign in the gobbler constellation, so eat only stuffing that was previously stuffed into the bird (after it was killed and butchered, you sick bastard).

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