Monday, 26 November 2012

 Headlines

Chris Brown deletes twitter account. Millions left wondering where they will pick up their lady-beating and profanity tips now?

Man dies after eating live cockroaches. Cause of death determined to be "He was a nasty mother******," but edited to "asphyxiation" to placate outraged family members.

Walmart employees kill a man for shoplifting, as "We only like our bosses stealing from us."

Chris Brown returns to twitter, ending his less than 12 hour hiatus. Woman beaters and foul mouthed chuckle heads everywhere rejoice.

Horoscopes

Aquarius
Well, Aquarius, how's that waist line? Yes, you were a little piggy, but this week shows that the leftovers you've already devoured will give way to the broke food your black Friday spending has left as your only meal option. Make yourself feel better by telling yourself this was on purpose! With Jupiter rising in your constellation, better wash your face very thoroughly, or you will get your own Big Red Spot.

Pisces

Another week, another broken dream. Jesus, Pisces, you're a depressing little ball of melancholy, aren't you? A regular Eeyore is what you are! Brighten your mood with a trip to Coldstone Creamery, and go see a movie not about a pedophile 100 year old vampire who finds his soul mate (and ideal lover) in a co-dependant 15 year old girl and a werewolf who is madly in love with said 15 year old girls infant daughter. With Pluto rising in your constellation, you can rest assured that the hours you spend at the gym will drop your mass below that which is large enough to be classified as a planet.

Aries

Aries, it would be better for you to call in sick this week. Trust me. Whatever you do, DO NOT EAT AT DENNY'S!!! You pushed your luck far enough last week, and you know what I am talking about, Mr/Ms- lactose- intolerant- but- one scoop- couldn't hurt- You're lucky that crap wasn't made from real cream! Speaking of crap, Sirius is moving in to your constellation along with Dened- meaning trips to Denny's will end badly. You've been warned.

Taurus

You Taurus, unlike Aries, should go to Denny's this week. You will meet the love of your life there, regardless of your persuasion. For you disgruntled "married but looking" types, this does not apply to you- You will simply find strips of crispy bacon, which is a lot like true love. With Electra crossing into your stars, hot ninjas in body form leather outfits will be paying you a visit.

Gemini

If you're reading this, you took my subtle hint at being a hermit last week. Good for you! Now, this week will be everything you thought it would be- which is to say, as awesome as you make it. You have Loki crossing into your stars, and he's in a good mood- so be ready to laugh til you pee. Pack some extra undergarments, like a good little boy/ girl scout.

Cancer

So you still have leftover turkey, and you're sick of eating it? Take it to that homeless guy at the end of the street, see how long it takes him to be sick of eating it. Do that, then go buy a power ball ticket. Be careful to note the digits in the address you dropped the turkey off to that homeless guy was. When you win, you MUST give me 10%. If you simply buy Powerball tickets without doing that which I have typed, your car will suddenly go kaput, you will develop nasty rashes in socially- unacceptable- to- speak- publicly- about places, plus you will end up as a crazy vagrant who argues with themselves and loses. Which, I guess, is to say you will be like Nick Nolte.

Virgo

Ah, Virgo, The Virgin. We know better, you dirty little thing. Go on with your bad self, but remember- practice safe debauchery. This week has Calliope rising, so bondage it is. Grab a copy of the 50 Shades trilogy, a highlighter, and get some pointers on how to do it- and don't play like you don't already have all three copies already, perv.

Libra

.After last week's hectic pace, the Libra is seeing this week as anti climactic. That is a mistake, as this week you find Arcturus rising, so this week could be a bear. You can avoid unnecessary complications with proper hygiene and the avoidance of foods that cause gas. You will be relieved to find out that thing you were worried about is fine- that other thing, though... Just kidding, don't be such a worry wort!

Scorpio 

.Huh, Scorpio- was that the wisest decision? Really? A leopard print man thong? You're dad is just gonna LOVE it, we're sure. Next time you go out gift buying after the Black Friday feeding frenzy has subsided, stick with gift certificates! You have the Soros constellation rising, which means you are going to hold everyone but yourself to a higher standard of morality/ social conduct, so it's probably best to not speak this week on the matter.

Sagittarius

 Hey homey, this week is gonna be like the rest- Awesome, because we're still here. If you're a Washingtonian, it's December 6th when it's legal- you can wait. I'd say go buy some Twinkies and Ho-Ho's, but well, yeah, bummer, man. The Dude abides, and so shall we.

Capricorn

Ah, last and probably least is the Capricorn. Your week shall be filled with let downs and disappointments, mostly because you think stars determine your fate, and the horoscope in the paper said something amazing was gonna happen. Yeah, newsflash- The stars are big balls of super hot gases- much like the people who write conventional horoscopes. Sigh, since you're still reading, I guess I ought tell you the P.T. Barnum constellation is rising, and you're the sucker he was talking about. Avoid eating anything that has a vowel in it's name., and don't get out of bed in any day ending with "Y."